“I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.”
I love Jim Carrey. I love his crazy faces and that he makes me laugh out loud. So watching again the combination of Jim Carrey and a script like Bruce Almighty, where his character—after railing against God—is given the powers of the Almighty, and I’m off in my own little imaginary world, righting the wrongs.
With the endless and escalating absurdity of life on Earth in 2016, I’ve let myself float off on ‘Fantasy Island’ with the idea of omnipotence. Now, humour me. Don’t look for the logistics in this plan. Don’t bother reminding me what the ramifications would be with these new mandates. I’m God, I’m on ‘Fantasy Island,’ and I get to do what I see fit with my dominion over the world.
I would finally put a limit on freewill because far too many human beings have proven themselves to be almost too stupid to live. I’ve got a big-assed magic wand and I get to mess with the muggles.
Firstly, I’d create two cities: The City of Jackasses in the remotest part of Siberia and The City of Dumbasses in the bleakest region of the Gobi. Every drug lord, warlord, mercenary, and terrorist would find themselves pulling straws to pick their city. The Taliban, ISIS, and all active supporters (and those who armed them—hint: U.S. politicians) would be enjoying each other’s company. All garden-variety murderers would join them, including any who have committed the crime of ordering the deaths of others. There would be no escape. Just for fun, zombies and ghouls would roam these cities at night.
All poachers and animal abusers, land or sea, would find themselves in an inescapable pen outside of Dumbass or Jackass where they would live out their days. At dusk, jackals would be set free to chase them.
Rapists—it’s over. All rapists would find themselves with a penis that no longer salutes. Any man who has the intention of rape or sexual assault of any type on his mind and goes forth to commit it would find himself, as well, with a flute as flaccid as a gummy snake. If he decided to take out his frustration on another being via violence, he would find himself living in a set of handcuffs with no keys. Still violent? A ball and chain. If he was truly rehabilitated—and I would know because I am God—the handcuffs would be removed, and after a five-year wait period, he would have his peeper privileges restored. Pedophiles would be revoked permanently and they would have the pleasure of hanging with the poachers.
Anyone about to perpetrate bodily harm on any innocent would firstly get a swift and painful electric shock and then get the same handcuff/ball and chain treatment.
All oppressors and tyrants—including pimps, drug dealers, and gangs—would be living together in Jackass or Dumbass. Any woman, man, or child being denied an education, freedom of speech or rights, freedom of how to dress—any abuse—would be emancipated. Any oppressed living being would be liberated.
Every thief, thug, and robber (including white collar) would find themselves in an instant state of full nudity and their getaway vehicles would disappear in a puff of smoke. Life would be pretty dull because clothing would not “stick” and all means of transport would be off limits until every trace of larceny was gone from their hearts. I would have great fun watching the teems of pickpockets wandering the streets of Buenos Aires and Rome suddenly butt naked with wallets in their hands. Even though in the grand scheme these things are not important, on principle I would return all stolen goods, property, and money to their rightful owners.
On Memorial Day weekend, KSPN had an eye-opening program on war and arms. Listeners learned from one dedicated Canadian that in Third World countries, Uzis can be bought for $10. They come from First World countries and find their way into the hands of children. On June 12th in Orlando, Florida, Omar Mateen killed 50 people and injured 53 in the largest mass shooting in US history and still, no changes. And Tuesday—yet another deadly terrorist attack in Turkey.
Clearly, human beings do not understand guns and arms. I would vanish each and every gun off of the planet along with every bomb and weapon of mass destruction and every institution that makes them. Handmade bombs and weapons would dissolve in a puddle like melted butter every time someone made one.
Wait! You can’t do that! How will we defend ourselves? Once again: no one has a gun. No one has a weapon. Since humans are still barbaric and too stupid to understand what they have created, fight it out fist-to-fist, the Neanderthal way. Hit each other on your heads with a rock if need be, however; you will be banished to either Dumbass or Jackass if you kill anyone. Marauders would find themselves, like a Star Trek teleportation, off to either locale as well. The world at war that we currently see would cease to exist. No one would need to flee their culture, their home, and their country as a refugee because of worldwide peace and the basic needs of all being met.
I made enough food for everyone and everyone would be fed and be afforded clean water. The food distribution systems and people who currently run them would change. All carcinogenic additives, edible oil byproducts, and toxic food would be made extinct. Everything would be organic because there would be no deadly pesticides. Organic pesticides exist and they would be used. All GMO seeds and produce would vanish, except for the food of the GMO creators. That is the only source of food they would eat until death. All carcinogens and man-made poisonous drugs of any type would vanish.
Big Pharma’s plots and cover-ups would all be revealed. All and everything that has been hidden or kept from the world would be made visible. Anyone who has wittingly allowed humans to die from toxic drugs and treatments for the sake of profit (tantamount to murder) would join the poacher’s pen outside Dumbass or Jackass.
All money consciously earned at the expense of another’s health or life or in the destruction of the earth would vanish from the accounts of the perpetrators. Anything hiding in Swiss bank accounts or in some laundering operation would disappear without a trace. All ill-gotten gains would be instantly transferred into health, nutrition, agriculture, art, music, education, eco-friendly operations, and the wellbeing of children. Monsanto, the Bayer bee killers, and all like-minded corporations would disappear off of the earth.
Everyone would have access to the countless Love Centers I would create (and even install in Dumbass and Jackass). There, people would receive and learn about kindness, compassion, care, affection, get horse therapy, and energy healing. All children and adults with depression, anxiety, mental illness, and PTSD would be loved back to equilibrium.
I would create free education for all. Don’t forget—not only do I have an endless access to money, but also we now have heaps of that pilfered dough in the coffers. You get to be who you want to be, what you want to be and learn whatever your little heart desires—freely. Teachers and professors would be extremely well paid and all bureaucratic bull that limits creative and innovative teaching would be excised. Children would be taught emotional techniques, life management skills, how to live in harmony with the earth, how they create their own reality, and that we are all one in cooperation and interdependence, not competition and survival of the fittest. There would be no tenure. Fantastic professors stay, poor ones go. Bullies would be sent to the Love Center daily and would be in charge of cleaning all toilets of the school for one month per infraction.
Sorry smokers, but I’d have to save you from yourselves. Lung cancer is the #1 cancer killer worldwide. And it greatly affects others who are subjected to inhaling it second-hand. Tobacco plants would be replaced with hemp crops, and subsequently cigarettes and cigars would vanish. I realize mass pandemonium would ensue, so every smoker would be given a 60-day supply of a natural substance that would make them feel fantastic and would wean them off of the toxic and addictive nature of cigarettes. Smokers would thank me profusely.
Politicians. OMG (I guess that’s oh myself). The whole system would be completely dissolved. There would be full transparency and the truly enlightened of the world would govern. (A whole lot of the current politicians of the world would be permanently vacationing in Siberia or the Gobi.)
What you feed your mind affects you and especially affects impressionable children. Gratuitous violence in movies and gaming and degrading porn would be gone forevermore. Any child pornographer would not only find him/herself in Dumbass or Jackass, but in handcuffs and chains, peeper-less.
All spy cam technology would be dismantled. All radar speed trap cash cows would disappear. Old fashioned policing required. All KGB parking surveillance trucks would go the way of the dodo. All technology used against the freedom and privacy of others would be not just banned, but exterminated. Anyone currently creating and using spy technology would find themselves under 24 hour surveillance, forever, to learn how it stresses an individual and subsequently, a society. The world existed for billions of years without Big Brother. I would position Earth back to freedom, as it was meant it to be.
Daft laws and bylaws designed for control and greed would be abolished. Because so many criminals would be living in Dumbass and Jackass, police would use their time constructively teaching others how to work cohesively in a community instead of being sneaky revenue generators for small infractions.
Hackers would find themselves on computers that do not function. Ever. All systems would freeze in the hands of a hacker. No computer access forever. They would have to crawl out of their basements and get a life. But they’d probably react like this:
The incarcerated (truly guilty of harming others) would be put to work. They would keep the cities clean on a daily basis, they would build, they would create beauty, they would care for animals in shelters, and they would be highly productive. A Love Center would be installed in each prison and detainment center because love heals. The genuinely rehabilitated and the innocents that have been wrongly imprisoned would be instantaneously released.
Hospitals would be transformed into true health centers. All bureaucracy, profit-only based decisions and basic idiocy would be deconstructed. Ridiculous rules and obsolete systems would be made null and void. I would implement low cost medicine. Rather than dreary, utilitarian institutions, hospitals would be beautiful sanctuaries with natural lighting, gardens, and water. Food would be a part of the healing process with incredibly nutritious and delicious meals made by people who have a passion for cooking and wellness. Nurses would go back to nursing; they would be paid accordingly (as in far more than they are currently paid) and would be given the time to nurture and care for the sick the way they used to with an abundance of staffing. Doctors and interns would not be overworked. Love would be a part of the healing process and patients would be handled on an individual basis from a holistic paradigm. I would leave a book of the world’s natural and correct remedies and all emotional balancing techniques in each hospital and with every doctor and healer. The Hippocratic Oath would be adhered to: Do no harm.
All helpful inventions and healing discoveries that are being suppressed for the sake of profit or unable to launch due to a lack of resources would be revealed and funded. Anything that would help Mother Earth, the health and wellbeing of humans, or create more beauty would be unveiled. Fossil fuels would be obsolete.
The whole sports and entertainment idolization and exorbitant-pay-for-nothing-special would shift. The true heroes would make the big bucks. Financial systems are already crumbling, but I would hasten their demise. The world has a bizarre leader in financial innovation called M-Pesa—in Kenya. Mobile banking is done even in the remotest farms and for the tiniest purchases. The system would be developed and run by the innovators of integrity and brilliance in finance and the bankers, Wall Street, and all manner of antiquated and patriarchal Good Ol’ Boys (and girls) financing would be kicked out on its ass.
Since almost nobody gets the “we are one” concept—in spite of Jesus, Buddha and all of the enlightened ones—I would leave a Life Map on everyone’s bed stand/mat one morning. On it would be your personal DNA test with your true lineage. All of your past lives would be revealed so that you could see that you have been gay, straight, man, woman, the diabolical and the divine. And because far too many are doing far too much they hate each day, I would give everyone their soul’s mission in this life and their personality’s purpose.
My most fun job would be de-materializing all of the world’s garbage and pollution. I would replenish the soil’s nutrients for farming and replant the deforested forests and jungles. The islands of plastic in the ocean would disintegrate. Oceans, lakes, streams, and all bodies of water would be clear and clean once again. Fish would breathe a sigh of relief and dolphins and whales would sing in joy. Anyone caught throwing garbage in the Earth’s water supply would find themselves afloat on a raft in the middle of the ocean for one week for time to think about it (with food and water). I would disappear any factory or biz causing pollution, massive deforestation, or raping and pillaging of Mother Nature (ciao, frackers).
After this fresh start, if humans continued on as is, I would deem it time for a grand scale smiting and send humanity the way of the dinosaurs and Atlantis—adios amigos.
Alas, we cannot play God. What we can do is work towards our own microcosm of inner peace, which will radiate out into creating a more harmonious world. Our life is our own personal ministry that affects the whole. What we can do is love as much as we can muster.
What is your personal dream for humankind and your one authentically stamped version of Godliness you bring to life?
Happy Canada Day and 4th of July for my American readers!
Post © Wanda St.Hilaire
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